Telling people where to go in Northern Ireland (quite literally)…

I was intrigued to find a recent feature in the Metro newspaper promoting tourism in Northern Ireland.

‘Awe-inspiring’ UK destination full of natural beauty spots with flights from £30 | Metro News

For those unfamiliar with this publication it’s a free daily paper available from public transport hubs throughout England Scotland and Wales. Its local claim to fame was when the DUP took out a controversial double front and back page ad endorsing the leave vote in the EU referendum. And ironically, the Metro’s registered address is in Derry Street, London.

The article entitled “Awe-inspiring’ UK destination full of natural beauty spots with flights from £30” in the online version and “10 of Northern Ireland’s best beauty spots” in the print version was sponsored by an internationally well-known airline, so I would generally take it with a pinch of salt (and I don’t expect readers to take my own article too seriously for that matter), but nevertheless it makes interesting reading.

Of the six counties, all but one has an entry in the list. As I’ve written previously Tyrone does have a bit of an image problem when it comes to tourism. But for a change, the county among the bushes does actually get a mention this time!

In this particular list though, it’s Armagh that gets the raw deal. Despite boasting a historic ecclesiastical city with two cathedrals, as well as one of only three observatories and planetariums (or should that be planetaria?) on the island, in addition to one of the great royal sites of ancient Ireland at Navan Fort, it’s the only county of the six not uniquely featured on the list. Lough Neagh is listed, and although part of its shoreline lies within Co. Armagh (as well as four other counties), I don’t count this. To be fair though, the article specifically refers to “beauty spots” which implies outdoor sites in the natural environment and would presumably exclude cathedrals and planetaria. But if one were to nominate a renowned beauty spot in the Orchard county, the Ring of Gullion would surely be a contender. I haven’t been there myself, but I’m sure it’s worth a visit.

However, given that there are only ten sites on the list, the coverage is inevitably limited.

For the record, the ten listed sites (or should that be sights?) in the piece are as follows:

1. Giant’s Causeway – (not surprising) – the ultimate cliché of Northern Irish tourism and the place which Dr Johnson, author of the very first dictionary described as worth seeing, but not worth going to see
2. Lough Erne – no argument there – it’s a nice place
3. Sperrin Mountains – shared and fought over between counties Derry and Tyrone – so a bit like Mickey Harte in that respect
4. Dark Hedges – Although I seem to be one of the few people on the plant never to have watched it, Game of Thrones has a lot to answer for!
5. Mount Stewart – with an emphasis on the rhododendrons in the subtropical gardens
6. Lough Neagh – a case of the toxic algae always being greener on the other side?
7. Glenariff Waterfalls – you can’t go wrong with the Glens of Antrim
8. Cave Hill – well I suppose they had to give Belfast something…
9. Cuilcagh Boardwalk Trail – Plucky little Fermanagh’s second entry on the list, nicknamed the stairway to Heaven after the famous Led Zeppelin song, a seven mile long wooden path traversing blanket bogland
10. Mourne Mountains – such a ubiquitous part of the Northern Ireland tourism scene that most of us take them for granite (Cue eerie, deathly silence punctuated by the swoosh of tumble weeds in the whistling wind and the distant clanging of a funeral bell…then the shouts of “get off!” just before the bottles start to fly…I’ll get my coat and leave quietly via the emergency exit…). But unfortunately there’s even worse to come below…

There are also various sub-categories within the main places listed. For example under the Sperrin Mountains category, there are references to Slieve Gallion, Co. Derry (not to be confused with that other mountain, Co. Armagh’s Slieve Gullion, as referred to above – just one vowel makes all the difference – or in the case of Ireland and Iceland – one consonant and about six months as the old joke goes) as well as a forest, a small lake and a neolithic site.

Of the sub-categories in Tyrone that receive a mention (Beaghmore Stone Circles, Davagh Forest, Lough Fea (listed under the Sperrins main category) Ardboe high cross, and Coyle’s Cottage (listed under Lough Neagh)), bizarrely all five are located in the Greater Cookstown area. But for the avoidance of doubt, I reiterate that the feature is sponsored by a leading airline – and not Mid-Ulster District Council!

So Down has nothing to Mourne about, Fermanagh has Erned its place, Belfast isn’t Lagan behind, you’ve got to red hand it to Tyrone, and unlike vegan cheese, the list is not Derry-free. But the Orchard County will be declaring Armagh-geddon.

I told you there was worse to come! (he said while dodging the flying bottles)

There are of course clearly dozens (if not hundreds) of other places off the traditional beaten tourist track worth visiting in Northern Ireland/the “province”/the “occupied six counties”/”North-Eastern Ireland”/”Ulster minus three” (delete as appropriate) which will rarely feature in the tourist promotional literature, most of them not very well-known (and even a few in Co. Armagh).

But in many cases I’m sure the locals would prefer things to stay that way rather than being exposed to the ravages of mass tourism.