It’s not your fault, it’s nobody’s fault…

I listened to a good podcast during the week. It was Dr Chatterjee interviewing Dr Russell Kennedy about his book Anxiety Rx. The good doctor suffered terrible anxiety for decades, so he had a personal reason to help himself and others. The core message of the book is anxiety is a physical problem as well as a mental one. Past traumas get stored in the body, and while you can do mental things like therapy, meditation etc, to truly cure the problem, you also need to work on the physical side with things like yoga, breathwork, somatic therapies etc. If you are familiar with the work of Bessel van der Kolk (The Body Keeps the Score book) or Gabor Maté you will recognise some of these ideas. 

During the conversation, Dr Russell talked about finding his father dead from an overdose. His father had suffered from severe mental problems throughout his life and, unfortunately, could cope with the pain no longer. His dad’s suicide note simply said, ‘It’s not your fault, it’s nobody’s fault‘. The power of this simple statement caught my breath.

As a society, we love to blame and shame – it is all themums fault. We point the finger of blame at every opportunity. If something goes wrong, we demand that someone is held accountable. On social media, people love a good pile on – the internet has become the digital stocks and pillory where we can all act righteous and hound whatever poor sod has transgressed that day. 

On a personal level, many of us beat ourselves up with shame and guilt over our past actions. We might constantly ruminate about what we should have done differently or what we should have said. Shame and guilt can lead you to very dark places – addictions like alcohol or drugs, or constant cycles of abuse, regret and remorse. 

To forgive ourselves and to forgive others can be incredibly liberating. There is a reason why forgiveness forms a massive part of every major religion. Jesus was big on the whole forgiveness thing. Even as they nailed him to a cross, he was still insisting, “Forgive them, Father! They don’t know what they are doing.” You have to admire his commitment. 

Even if you are not religious, practising self-compassion and compassion for other people and all things is a good thing to do, loving kindness is a popular meditation practise. The Irish singer Damien Dempsey puts it well – “Don’t beat yourself up; there’s enough f*ckers out there who will do it for you”.

It is essential to recognise that I am not advocating that people do not take responsibility for their actions. Taking responsibility is a considerable part of the forgiveness process. Recognising the harm we have done to others, apologising and being truly remorseful is a significant step on the road to healing for all sides. 

Of course, all this can be easier said than done. It can be hard to forgive ourselves and others. But the alternative is to continue to carry the burden of anger, guilt or remorse. It eats away at your soul as you succumb to these destructive emotions.

Living in Belfast all the time I come across the people who have done hurt as well as those who have been hurt.  Neither side looks in a great place to be honest. They are trapped in a mental purgatory that they can’t escape or maybe they do not even want to escape.  

Maybe it is your fault, maybe its all our fault. Or maybe it’s not your fault, it’s nobody’s fault.

If you or someone you know has been affected by these issues, call 24/7 crisis helpline and counselling service Lifeline 0808 808 8000. Calls are free from all landlines and mobiles.

The video version of the podcast is below or you can listen to the audio version here…