Subject: Belfast Earthquake!

At 0945 yesterday morning a major earthquake measuring 4.5 on the
Richter scale epicentered on greater Belfast. The earthquake
decimated the area, causing an estimated £30 million of damage, with
the exception
of Sandy Row and Ardoyne where approximately £375,000 of improvements
were made!

Untold damage and distress was caused, with many woken before their
Giros arrived! Several priceless collections of mementos from
Millisle and the Spanish Costas were damaged and three areas of
historic and scientifically significant litter were disturbed.

A mural of King Billy was destroyed on the Shankill as was one of
some 'oul-doll gurning, on the Falls. Thousands are confused that
something other than political madness has shaken Belfast. Victims
can be seen wandering aimlessly amidst the wreckage muttering ”Wha ?
What the ”F%*k was lat”

One survivor Tracey-Anne Kirsty-Lee Kylie Johnston, a 17-year-old
mother of three told us ”I near crapped maself. Our Shania-
Fairybell came gurning into my room this mornin. The chyle was in an
awful state. My youngest ones, Britney-Jo and Justin-Keanu slept
through it all, so they did. I was still shakin watchin 'Trisha' -
you know what I mean like. It's awful so it is.

All my windies are broke and I can't get the howl of the Housin
Executive for til fix them. They've only been fixed for a week after
me and his last row.

I've lost my fegs an everything - it's terrible so it is. Luk at the
state of my hair. Have ya any fegs mister?”.

Apparently in the West of the city joyriding and looting carried on
as normal. The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4000
crates of beer into the area to help with the stricken masses but
were stoned, bricked and petrol bombed as they left the area.

Rescue workers still searching through the rubble have found large
quantities of personal belongings, including benefit books and
jewellery from Elizabeth Duke and Ratners. They claim that the death
toll would have been significantly higher had the Bru been open at
the time.

HOW YOU CAN HELP:-

Clothing is most sought after - Items required include:
Sovereign rings, Burberry baseball caps, white socks, Tesco two-
stripe trainers, white track suits, chunky gold chains.

FOOD PARCELS ARE ALSO URGENTLY REQUIRED.

Required foodstuffs include: beer, frozen Burgers, beer, lard,beer,
deep fried Mars Bars, Tayto cheese 'n onion, beer, Chinese takeaway.

REMEMBER - EVERY LITTLE HELPS...
25p will buy a biro pen to fill in a spurious claim form
£1.95 will buy an All-Day Ulsterbus ticket to enable victims to
travel from the Bru to the Post Office to McDonalds to the Wine
Store.
£10 will take a family to Antrim for the day where the children can
sniff glue and skin-up.
£15 will buy fish suppers and an E for a family of 4.

Please send your credit card number and sample signature now.